An "open" relationship is different from a "non-monogamous" one, as being fully open is only one version of non-monogamy. I call these relationships "open," and this is the kind of relationship I have. Sometimes non-monogamous couples make allowances for sex outside the relationship only with certain people or in certain situations (on business trips, on vacation, whatever).Īnd some non-monogamous couples have no sexual restrictions - you can do what you like, when you like, with or without your partner's knowledge. Other non-monogamous couples play with outside partners individually - you may have sex with your special person, or your special people, and your partner may have sex with theirs. Some non-monogamous couples play with thirds and have thrilling threesomes. But generally speaking, non-monogamous relationships permit some sex outside the relationship. "Cheating" and "infidelity" can still happen in a non-monogamous relationship, as there are endlessly different ways to do non-monogamy. It defines a range of relationships with different sexual rules, boundaries, and agreements, each one different from the other.
The term "non-monogamy" also only has to do with sex. Sex outside a monogamous relationship is considered "cheating." Monogamous couples only have sex with each other. The word "monogamy" defines sex - nothing else. Start by doing research about non-monogamy. But it's certainly not impossible, and I know many long-term couples who started monogamous before deciding they wanted more. Opening up a monogamous relationship is hard - in fact, I think the jump from monogamous to non-monogamous happens more easily from relationship to relationship, as it's hard to make this transition in tandem with someone else. Many people have asked me how to "become okay with it," or they themselves want to open the sexual boundaries they have with their partner and they don't know how to communicate that. It's easier to approve of the idea of non-monogamy than it is to put it into practice. Queer people, in general, are more familiar with non-traditional and non-exclusive romantic setups, but I'm still asked often (via my sex advice blog and elsewhere) how to "open up" a monogamous relationship, usually by LGBTQ+ folks. Every now and then, when I'm meeting someone new and the topic of my boyfriend comes up, they will say something like, "What kind of guy would let you do that?" or "I could never do that!" or - the worst - "I don't see how that's a real relationship." People love to invalidate open and non-monogamous relationships by saying they're just "glorified friendships" or "cheating by a different name." I've heard all the accusations, and I'm quite fond of the "glorified friendships" one - my partner is, first and foremost, my best friend. I have been in a happy open relationship for three years.
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